The Maximum-Effort-Zero-Return New Cat Owner Checklist

So, you’ve decided to get a cat. Congratulations! You are now entering into a legally binding contract with a tiny, fuzzy overlord who communicates solely through judgment and the strategic placement of hairballs.

Forget the cute Instagram videos. Preparing for a cat isn't just about buying a litter box; it's about preparing your soul for a fundamental lifestyle shift. Here is the true checklist you need, curated from the blood, sweat, and tears of veterans who have already accepted their fate.

Phase I: The Basic Survival Gear

Luxury Cat Bed

You imagine it as a cozy, supportive spot for your new companion to rest.

In reality, it’s a $75 dust collector, ignored in favor of the lone Amazon box you left in the basement. Exception: for timid or feral rescue cats, a Cat Cave or something similar is great to help give them a safe space to hide in the open while they're adjusting to you and their new home.

☐ Unnecessary But Very Popular Cat Bed Purchase

Mid-Range Litter Box (If you get a crappy one - that's what you'll smell)

Envisioned as a discreet restroom facility.

Actually, it’s a high-traffic dirt track where your cat engages in Olympic-level digging, scattering a few bits of litter onto your freshly cleaned bathmat.

☐ Unnecessary High End Litter Box Purchase That's Super Cool

Scratching Post (Vertical)

Intended to save your antique chair legs.

Ends up as a prominently placed, completely unused monument to your futile intentions, while the cat shreds the horizontal rug ten feet away. Recommend Space-Saving Wall Mounted (recommend for small spaces)

☐ Unnecessary Fancy Cat Tree Purchased

Bag of Premium Kibble

Planned as essential nutrition.

Becomes a meal to be sniffed at in disdain, asserting dominance over your budget, until you give in and buy the pricey stuff.

☐ Unnecessary Fresh Cat Food in the Refrigerated Section Purchased

Laser Pointer

Thought of as a fun, interactive bonding toy.

Turns into a lesson for your cat that life’s joy is always just out of reach—perfect for coaxing them into running into walls.

☐ Unnecessary But Understandable Purchase

Phase II: Human Preparation & Psychological Readiness

Getting the cat is the easy part. Preparing the human is the real challenge. You must shed your former self.

• Accept the Stare: Acquire the mental fortitude to endure a silent, unblinking stare for up to seven continuous hours. This is how the cat downloads your insecurities.

  • ☐ Ready to be Judged

• The Sacrifice: Identify your favorite sweater. Dedicate it entirely to cat hair. Accept that it is now a textile ghost of its former self, a monument to shedding season.

  • ☐ Sweater Sacrificed

• The New Decor: Clear a minimum of 40% of all flat surfaces (kitchen counters, dining table, mantlepiece). These are now designated Cat Perches for the sole purpose of knocking off anything fragile while you are in the shower.

  • ☐ Surfaces Cleared

• Soundproofing: Practice sleeping through the 3:00 AM "Zoomies" — a rapid, unholy sprint back and forth across your bedroom, usually culminating in a loud crash followed by complete silence.

  • ☐ Ear Plugs Purchased

• The Vet Gambit: Memorize the precise location of the emergency 24-hour veterinarian. Realize you will only ever use it for minor, non-emergency issues, like a tiny burp or a suspiciously cute sneeze, resulting in a $300 "reassurance" bill.

  • ☐ Vet Number on Fridge

Phase III: Advanced Cat-Owner Skills

These are the skills you must master to survive the first year.

1. The "Glove of Shame" Maneuver: Master the art of scooping up a hairball using only a single paper towel, thereby minimizing contact, maximizing disgust, and making you feel like a hazmat specialist.

   • ☐ Proficient in Maneuver

2. The "Invisible Barrier": Install an invisible, mind-based barrier around the one piece of furniture you absolutely do not want scratched (it won't work).

   • ☐ Barrier Deployed (Failing)

3. The Door-Opening Scam: Understand that when the cat frantically cries to be let out of the room, and you oblige, they will immediately stare at the open doorway for thirty seconds before deciding to remain exactly where they were.

   • ☐ Door-Opening Fatigue Expected

4. The Worship: Purchase at least one framed photograph of your cat, ideally one where they look particularly bored or evil. Place it prominently. Show respect.

   • ☐ Shrine Established

Congratulations, you are now fully prepared! Good luck!