The Unofficial Guide to the Cat Butt

Let's be honest. If you own a cat, you've seen it. More often than not, it's the first thing you see (and probably try to avoid) when they decide to grace your lap, your keyboard, or that tiny sliver of sunlight you were enjoying on the sofa...alone. Yes, I'm talking about the humble, yet ever-present, cat butt.

For centuries, poets have waxed lyrical about feline grace, their mysterious eyes, their playful antics but rarely does anyone sing the praises of the cat's furry fanny. That, my friends, is a travesty I aim to quickly rectify.

Cat Butt Power Moves

My morning ritual often involves a fresh cup of coffee and a swift, unannounced presentation of one or both of my cats' posteriors. It's a "good morning" that says, "I love you, human, but also...here's my butt." It's a power move for sure- a declaration of ownership over your personal space, and frankly, while this move probably wouldn't translate well at work, I'm here for it!

The four power moves below are some that I frequently encounter with my two tuxedo cats. For a more comprehensive but satirical (e.g., not super freaking boring) understanding of these (and other) quirky cat behaviors, check out The 21 Subtle Signs Your Cat is Gaslighting You: What's Really Behind Your Cat's Most Common Quirky Behaviours (The Shameless Housemates Series:) by Theo C. Lawson.

• The "I'm Comfy Here, So Get Used to It" Butt: This is the classic. Your cat is sprawled on your chest, purring contentedly, and their furry back end is perfectly aligned with your face. It's a sign of ultimate trust, apparently. They feel safe enough to expose their rear, which I think we can all agree, is a pretty vulnerable position. Then again, it could be mild disdain for your personal bubble.

• The "Look What I Just Did" Butt: Usually seen after a particularly satisfying litter box visit, this butt is held high, sometimes with a little trot. It's a silent, smelly boast. "My business is done," it proclaims, "now worship me."

• The "Walk Away, Human, I'm Busy" Butt: When your cat is intently focused on a bird outside or a dust bunny under the sofa, their butt becomes a furry shield. Any attempt to interact is met with the silent, unblinking stare of a rear end, conveying "Do not disturb."

• The "Here's a Gift (of my butt)" Butt: This often happens when your cat brings you a "present" (usually a toy they've decided is dead). They drop it at your feet, turn around, and present their butt. It's their way of saying, "You're welcome. Now admire my contribution."

A Tail of Two Perspectives

Of course, the cat butt wouldn't be what it is without the tail - even a short stubby one. That expressive, often fluffy appendage that acts as a furry antenna, communicating mood, excitement, or impending zoomies. The tail frames the butt, elevates it, and sometimes even swishes it dangerously close to the cream cheese on your open-faced bagel.

Does Your Cat's Butt* Really Touch Everything?

Let's get to the bottom of this: The primary "research" on this topic comes from a highly publicized (but small-scale) science fair project conducted by a sixth grader involving a tube of non-toxic lipstick. The question asked: "Does your cat's butt* really touch all the surfaces in your home?" Aside from a reported "slight smear" on some bedsheets, the results from this novelty experiment suggest that the majority of household surfaces are protected from direct cat butt contact. While I'm not feeling too confident with the results of this experiment (let's just say there have been signs) hygiene wise, paws that have been in the litter box seem a much more likely source of surface contamination. My cats hate having their paws touched but on occasion I do use the same Lick Safe pet wipes on them that I use on my dog.

Embracing the Rear View

So, the next time your feline friend decides to give you an impromptu peek at their posterior, don't just cover your bagel and sigh -appreciate it! It's a sign of comfort, a quirky communication, and an undeniable part of the cat ownership experience. It's a reminder that no matter how elegant they pretend to be, at the end of the day, they're just furry little weirdos who love to show us their butts.